Technology of Breathing In & Out

　　originally published in the Fall 2002 issue of Inquiring Mind

　　With mind spinning “got to finish this,” worrying about that, irritated with something or another, hurrying to meet a deadline — yes, monks & nuns fall into this stuff, after all we are human, too — the bell for evening meditation rings. It”s a loud bell, loud enough to penetrate postmodern Samsâric mind. Struggling with the temptation to blow off the sitting, I manage to turn off the computer, finish the cup of tea, and get out the door. Fortunately, it”s a bit of a walk to the meditation hall. Blessed with the trees of a small forest on what was once a sandbar beneath the Gulf of Siam, the short walk to the open-air hall fosters a shift, slowing down a bit, even if I have to hurry to be on time.

　　So ended many an evening work session during the later part of my fifteen years as a monk in Thailand. I”d often begin the meditation with walking, enjoying the soft crunch of the sand beneath bare feet and the gentle movements of arboreal friends next to the hall. Pacing back and forth rather quickly, at first, to contain the left over energy — though it revs up quick, it seldom goes away so fast — mind following the breath in and out, in and out … in … out … with frequent lapses back to the unfinished article, email debate, or monastic problem to solve. These lapses were easy, I learned, because the stirred-up breath didn”t foster quiet and stability, it perpetuated agitation. The breathing reflected and had been provoked by what had been going on in mind.

　　Such breathing jarred body which perturbed mind which messed with breathing —a nasty circle of causality. Shallow, quick breath pushing the ch”i up and cerebral. Tight, stressed breath denying the relaxation and joy of a nice walk. Hot, irritated breath radiating throughout mind-body. Tired, sluggish breath weighing me down. Loopy breath making it easy to space out. Erratic breath from sleep deprivation and caffeine stimulation. Many times, many breaths. All mirroring what mind has been up to and caught up in. Unhealthy breath patterns built up by mind-body imbalance and reactivity. Distorted breath sustaining whatever imbalance, agitation, weariness, or stuckness. It goes on for years.

　　Now living in America, I use the internet a lot and sometimes wish I had DSL or cable instead of pokey 56K. Yet, something about mindfulness has sunk in over the years of practice so that when a web page comes up slow or email downloads in trickles, I can take a few relaxing breaths. Slow connections become a slowing in order to connect body and mind through breath. When really slow, I can stretch or get off the chair for a shoulder stand. Maybe slow is beautiful. This paragraph came to mind while downloading a big upgrade and walking my breathing on a veranda overlooking Missouri hills and fields.

　　Speed seems relative. Wanting something fast makes for slow. Reacting to slow, speeds up mind. To chat online with a friend on the other side of the globe through the slowest web connection is still a lot faster than pony express or clipper ship, let alone walking over there on foot.

　　As a recent returnee to the land of the free,[1] I continue to stumble upon and stagger past things that amaze. In airports, obese white folks line up for fast food while people of color serve from the other sides of counters. Layers of stunning amazement! Consumerism, foodism, racism, classism ... I feel sadness, disgust, anger. Not too strong, but enough to buzz around in the mind and tighten up body with breathing indignantly extra-strong. Still, mindfulness comes home to breathing and follows it in and down. Relaxing down into belly, lightening up the breathing; relaxing down into legs, regaining balance. Th…

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