..續本文上一頁cle through, the gain and loss. We grab something and it is snatched away from us. We hold onto something, again it is snatched away from us. And the return home is always to become aware of this process. It is not to long for it to stop. It is to honestly notice it. And then we notice, as we grab, as we fix on something, as we attach, we notice that the loss is being created right there.

　　One of the traditional words for the light at the edge of being is *vajra*. And vajra is a word that refers to the adamantine, the harder-than-diamond quality of realisation but also of reality, that it is just there. The sun just comes up. And I think when we turn towards the Tao, when we settle into the Tao and begin to hear that great voice of the universe, the voice of Kuan Yin, we are forced to become more tolerant of those times when we are not, when are lost to it. That even when we create wisdom, that too is something we attach to, and create ignorance by holding onto. Most people come to Zen to know, and sometimes it is very hard to realise that the great truth can be, I don”t know.

　　And what a relief this can but also in its own way a discipline, to accept in us the darkness and the mystery.

　　In meditation we develop states of great clarity but we also develop states of cow-like ignorance, bovine ponderousness. Specially after lunch. Or states when we are consumed with waiting for the bell to ring so that we can stretch our knees or wondering if we will ever wake up. States when we are consumed by our own sense of unworthiness. Another way in which we move away from the Great Matter, from the Great Way. Clinging to our idea that we know who we are and we are bad, when in truth we do not know who we are and it is only megolomania that makes us think we are worthless.

　　So we have to be willing to accept those strange passions that come over us in zazen as also part of the path. And I think to be a bodhisattva is not to be clear all the time, the great difficulty and why the bodhisattva is the interesting and difficult path to walk is because it entails waking up the mind of light and the mind of compassion in the midst of our difficulty. Anybody can be compassionate when he or she is happy. What about when things are difficult

　　 To wake up the mind of the Way, to turn home at that time, is the bodhisattva path.

　　And to accept the Way even when it”s patchy. Sometimes we have great clarity and insight in sesshin and then as soon as we starting thinking, Wow, I really got it, you know, then it is not so clear anymore suddenly. And I think all we can do is to be honest with ourselves and to be honest with ourselves at such a time is a great gift.

　　I spoke of Yuan-wu before, who compiled the Blue Cliff Record. The teacher who originally collected it and wrote verses to each case was Hsueh Tou and he wrote an interesting verse, one line of which said, "The grasses grow thick and nests overhang" I think this misty quality is very characteristic of our Way. To accept the "don”t knowing" quality in our mind and embrace that and find the great clarity right there. This is the distinctive feature of the Mahayana, the willingness to work with the difficult stuff, the intransigent material of the world, willing to get entangled with the suffering of ourselves and of others in order to further the Way.

　　So, whatever technique we use, we will find that is is wonderful and then it fails to work for a while. In Zen we take up the method and then we deal with what happens. And fidelity and truthfulness is to take up the method honestly. So when we take up the koan we take it up honestly and we pour ourselves into it. And then things happen. We get bored, we hate it, we wish we had another koan. We get very excited and assured that we have finally found the Way. Many things happen. We suddenly remember things from our childhood and can”t remember the koan. We are suddenlfy thrust into the truth of the suffering that is very present in our lives, in our family, at work. So we honestly try the method and then we work with what comes up. Simple, huh. And then of course we find many things. You can use the koan or the breath as a sword to clear away the grass and for a while it seems like we will finally make it to the horizon, slashing away like that. But the horizeon keeps receding. And when that method doesn”t work, you may find that incorporating, being generous with what comes up works better. I am very angry and I cannot cut it way with my koan any longer, so I will acknowledge my anger and sink into it, invite it. And that is wonderful and then after a while THAT doesn”t work any more.

　　The Tao is always moving and always flowing. Whatever we hold onto will be snatched away from us. But it is also in the Tao that endlessly we take up the koan, endlessly we take up the Great Way, serving the Great Light beyond our small selves, that Great Light in which we are all linked and all completely at home, completely of one family, doing zazen together at Goricks Run.

　　This Teisho was given at the 1990 Winter Sesshin at Gorricks Run Zendo

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