..續本文上一頁nt, really heavy. By the time the rain had stopped everything was soaking wet.

　　I sat unmoving.

　　So what did I do next, soaking wet as I was

　　 I cried! The tears flowed down my cheeks. I cried as I thought to myself,

　　"Why am I sitting here like some sort of orphan or abandoned child, sitting, soaking in the rain like a man who owns nothing, like an exile

　　"

　　And then I thought further, "All those people sitting comfortably in their homes right now probably don”t even suspect that there is a monk sitting, soaking in the rain all night like this. What”s the point of it all

　　" Thinking like this I began to feel so thoroughly sorry for myself that the tears came gushing out.

　　"They”re not good things anyway, these tears, let them flow right on out until they”re all gone."

　　This was how I practiced.

　　Now I don”t know how I can describe the things that followed. I sat... sat and listened. After conquering my feelings I just sat and watched as all manner of things arose in me, so many things that were possible to know but impossible to describe. And I thought of the Buddha”s words...Paccattam veditabbo viññuhi [42]-- "the wise will know for themselves."

　　That I had endured such suffering and sat through the rain like this... who was there to experience it with me

　　 Only I could know what it was like. There was so much fear and yet the fear disappeared. Who else could witness this

　　 The people in their homes in the town couldn”t know what it was like, only I could see it. It was a personal experience. Even if I were to tell others they wouldn”t really know, it was something for each inpidual to experience for himself. The more I contemplated this the clearer it became. I became stronger and stronger, my conviction become firmer and firmer, until daybreak.

　　When I opened my eyes at dawn, everything was yellow. I had been wanting to urinate during the night but the feeling had eventually stopped. When I got up from my sitting in the morning everywhere I looked was yellow, just like the early morning sunlight on some days. When I went to urinate there was blood in the urine!

　　"Eh

　　 Is my gut torn or something

　　" I got a bit of fright..."Maybe it”s really torn inside there."

　　"Well, so what

　　 If it”s torn it”s torn, who is there to blame

　　" a voice told me straight away. "If it”s torn it”s torn, if I die I die. I was only sitting here, I wasn”t doing any harm. If it”s going to burst, let it burst," the voice said.

　　My mind was as if arguing or fighting with itself. One voice would come from one side, saying, "Hey, this is dangerous!" A, nother voice would counter it, challenge it and over-rule it.

　　My urine was stained with blood.

　　"Hmm. Where am I going to find medicine

　　"

　　"I”m not going to bother with that stuff. A monk can”t cut plants for medicine anyway. If I die, I die, so what

　　 What else is there to do

　　 If I die while practicing like this then I”m ready. if I were to die doing something bad that”s no good, but to die practicing like this I”m prepared."

　　Don”t follow your moods. Train yourself. The practice involves putting your very life at stake. You must have cried at least two or three times. That”s right, that”s the practice. If you”re sleepy and want to lie down then don”t let it sleep. Make the sleepiness go away before you lie down. But look at you all, you don”t know how to practice.

　　Sometimes, when you come back from almsround and you”re contemplating the food before eating, you can”t settle down, your mind is like a mad dog. The saliva flows, you”re so hungry. Sometimes you may not even bother to contemplate, you just dig in. That”s a disaster. If the mind won”t calm down and be patient then just push your bowl away and don”t eat. Train yourself, drill yourself, that”s practice. Don”t just keep on foll…

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