Escape

　　by Ajahn Sumedho

　　Reflections on Cittanusatipatthana, the third Foundation of Mindfulness, given by Luang Por Sumedho during a retreat at Amaravati in September, 1997

　　A few words on cittanupassana-satipatthana - mindfulness of the state of mind (the mood): with this, I”ve found it very helpful to ask myself and to contemplate what mood I am in, because it”s easy to be living life mechanically. We can be so wrapped up in our habits and reactions that we don”t fully know the mood. There was one time when somebody told me I was angry, and I denied it; actually I was angry, and I didn”t even know - I couldn”t admit it to myself. But it”s only in admitting these things to ourselves that we can resolve them.

　　The energies and emotions that we have can be frightening, even to oneself. My character is one that wants to have a nice life where everybody is smiling and saying: ”Everything”s OK” - even if it isn”t! Life can be lived on that level: not daring to bring up or to admit, let alone to contemplate, the way things are - because we feel so threatened or frightened, and a part of us doesn”t really want to know. We don”t feel we can take it; we don”t know or understand ourselves in a way that allows us to deal with what we think are bad habits or personal problems.

　　I think there”s also a fear of insanity, or that there might be something basically wrong with us: ”Maybe there”s a screw loose, or I”ve missed out on something when I was born” - because when we look at ourselves, we don”t really understand why we are this way. Often, at least in my generation when I was young, men never admitted things - we played roles, we acted out the macho style: ”Nothing frightens me, I”m not afraid of anything.” We gave the appearance of being invincible and tough. In the Navy, I remember being on a ship where everybody was playing this role - but, actually, I felt very different: ”We”re all saying we”re tough, but I”m really scared to death. I must be the only one on the ship who feels this way - but I don”t want them to know that, because I don”t know what they”ll do to me if they find out!” Nowadays I think people are more willing to admit to each other, and to themselves: ”I”m frightened”, or, ”I do have these desires”, or, ”I do feel angry,” or whatever.

　　I was someone who really couldn”t bear to feel confused, so I always wanted to have a certification of things: ”Tell me what to do, how do you do this

　　” I wanted to know exactly, and to have everything neatly arranged so that I”d feel secure; then if I didn”t, there would be this uncertainty or confusion - which I”d resist, I”d always try to get rid of it. But what I”d suggest now is that when you do feel uncertain or insecure or confused by anything, you take the opportunity to contemplate the feeling. Look inward, and ask: ”What is it like

　　...” ”There”s this confusion right now. I don”t know what to do, or what”s going on. Am I right or wrong

　　 Should I or shouldn”t I

　　” Then listen, and just observe that mood as an object of mind - without judging it - and see what happens.

　　We can bring up a mood of doubt to stop the thinking mind, using a question like, ”Who am I

　　” (or any question that will bring up a state of doubt). We can be aware of that gap in the mind where there”s no thought; we actually use the space between thoughts. So with a doubting nature, we can use that doubt as a skilful means to develop the ability to know not knowing; we see that, ”It”s like this: "Don”t know..."”

　　The thinking mind stops. We can use deliberate thinking also, noticing the space between the words. For example: ”I am a human being.” Before thinking it, there”s a pause, then ”I,” and there”s a gap, ”am” another gap, ”a” - gap - ”human” - gap - ”being” - finished. Nothing. So we get used to not…

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