..續本文上一頁with a ceremony, one might reject it, thinking, ”I don”t like it”, or ”ceremonies are wrong”. But they aren”t! There is nothing wrong with ceremonies, they are quite alright to have. To feel one should not have ceremonies is just as much an opinion as to feel one should. It is not a matter of having to say one should or should not have them. They are a part of our tradition, so we use them if they are appropriate. If they are not appropriate, we do not use them. It is a matter of knowing, rather than of having opinions about it.

　　RW: How do you view your role as abbot

　　 How do you see yourself as a figure of authority at Chithurst

　　AS: Well, I really do not think about it. I act very much like the abbot. It is my nature to appreciate dignity and hierarchical structures. I do not find those unbearable. Actually, I find [the role of abbot] great fun. It is a pleasant position to be in. It has its disadvantage in the sense that one gets everything thrown at oneself.

　　Yet I quite like serving others, too. I like to go back and be number ten in the line. In Thailand it was very nice to be nobody, without always having to be up in front of everybody.

　　However, our training is to adapt, not to choose. It was not easy to be an abbot at first. It was difficult for me to accept that position because many feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt arose. So I penetrated it. I worked with these feelings, making them my meditation to the point where my position became easy for me. I adapted to the position rather than believing the thoughts, ”Oh, I”m not ready for this”, or ”I don”t want to do this”. Becoming attached to the role of abbot would also be an easy thing to do; that is, taking oneself to be someone important.

　　If one is mindful, one is checking and watching; these things are just the changing conditions of samsara. Sometimes one is the abbot, sometimes the servant -- everything is changing. If one has no preferences, then one has no suffering when conditions change. But if one is determined not to be an abbot or to take a position of responsibility, then when conditions arise where one is supposed to do that, one suffers.

　　On the other hand, if one wants to be someone important, but is only number ten in the line, one also suffers, because of feeling resentful and jealous of those who are above oneself. So one also has to watch for that.

　　The point of Buddha”s teaching is to have that awareness of suffering. Everyone suffers, so we all have to watch this. It is not to choose any position in the line as ”mine”. One has to be able to move up or down or stay, depending on time and place.

　　RW: How did you meditate on this ”inadequacy” that you felt

　　 How did you confront that

　　AS: I just watched. I just brought up and listened to the complaining, whining conditions of my mind that kept nagging, ”I”m not ready” ...

　　RW, : Again, during this morning”s meditation anger and resentment were arising. This time I just let it come, watched it, looked at it... arising and passing... without identifying with it, without getting caught up in it. And it went (and will surely come back again!) Is that all the practice is: a continuous, steady, constant watching of the arising and passing away of phenomena

　　AS: It is just awareness.

　　RW: And these hindrances will just peter out, dissolve after some time

　　AS: Right. If one is not acting on it, the habit will just fade away.

　　RW: But even though one is not acting on it, because the propensity or tendency is present for a particular mental disturbance to arise, is there not action being created from that

　　AS: One cannot help the conditions that are present which make that delusion arise in one”s mind. One of two actions may follow: either one reacts by getting caught up in the action or one represses it.…

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