..續本文上一頁 until I didn”t know where ”buddho” had gone. As a result, I didn”t get anywhere at all. I was constantly feeling dreary and disappointed. This is the way things always were in the heart.

　　But even so, this wasn”t anything compared to the stage at which the mind regressed. When the mind regresses, it”s really upsetting because you used to see results. You used to gain a sense of ease, mental stillness, and peace appearing clearly as a solid foundation in the heart, but now it”s deteriorated. This makes the heart really agitated — so much so that there is nothing to hold it in check. Luckily, though, in spite of my agitation, I didn”t retreat. I was simply determined to see things through. I wasn”t willing to retreat or to slacken my efforts.

　　The reason why the mind regressed and couldn”t make a comeback was the same sort of thing: desire, nothing mysterious. The mind wanted to know and see as it had before, but its work wasn”t coordinated or continuous. All there was, was desire. No matter how much you desire, it doesn”t give any results, because that would go against the principle of causality. If you don”t make the causes as complete as they should be, how can you expect to know as you want

　　 You can”t. Sitting, I”d be agitated. Lying down, I”d be agitated. I”d go into the forest, into the mountains, when the mind had regressed, and nothing was any good at all. I couldn”t figure it out.

　　Of the anxieties I”ve felt in my life as a monk, the anxiety I felt during that period was the worst. I was agitated because of my desire to attain. I was upset because the mind had regressed and nothing I could do would bring it back. At first it had regressed just a little bit and then it kept regressing, regressing until it was all gone. Nothing was left, not one red cent. It was as if I had never meditated at all.

　　When I”d sit in this state, I was as agitated as if I were on fire — because of the desire. The disappointment that my attainments had floated away and disappeared, plus the desire to get them back: These two things came thronging in at the same time and so were really strong. Wherever I stayed was unsatisfactory and no help at all. Even though I was suffering, I would simply keep suffering. I didn”t know any way out. Even though I wanted, I would simply keep wanting. I didn”t know how to get my concentration back. All there was, was desire — regret for the things that had once appeared to my surprise and amazement but now were gone. There was nothing but disappointment filling the heart, nothing but simple desire, and it couldn”t bring back the Dhamma that had disappeared. Finally I came to feel despair — for everything. This was when the mind gave up on its desire.

　　As for the results I had wanted, well, I had wanted them for a long time. As for the suffering, I had suffered immensely because of the desires, but hadn”t gained anything from them. So now I wouldn”t have anything to do with them. I”d throw them all out. If I was going to know, I”d know. If not, so be it. All I was after was ”buddho.” Whatever the mind was going to think, I wouldn”t be willing to let mindfulness lapse. ”Get with it, then. Can it really be that I”m not going to know

　　 Whatever”s going to happen, I”m ready for it.”

　　As soon as I gave up on my desires, they were no longer so fierce, and so the suffering gradually lessened. I set my mind on my work. Wherever I was, I”d keep repeating, ”buddho, buddho, buddho.” It had always been a trait with me to be earnest: Whatever I”d do, I would really do it and wouldn”t just play around. Now I got to see this trait in action. I didn”t let up in my repetition of ”buddho.” Whether walking or doing my chores, I wouldn”t be willing to let it lapse. I”d keep making the effort. While sweeping the monastery compound, I wo…

《Straight from the Heart - At the End of Ones Rope》全文未完，請進入下頁繼續閱讀…