..續本文上一頁o become ordained for a long time and on the actual and first day that he got to wear the brown robes, he went out for alms. This fit his image of a sramana [Buddhist monk]. But he was uncomfortable in his robes, especially with the rain and his robes slipping. He had to set his bowl down to get his umbrella, set his umbrella down to pull up his robes. By the time he looked up, all the monks had gone. He was lost in a village where he did not speak any of its language on that first day of his alms round. All of his hopes and aspirations were dashed. He thought he had made a very big mistake. It”s funny now that he looks back. But this tells us that a novice, Bhikshu or Bhikshuni”s training requires patience as one learns bit by bit.

　　The biggest difference between a left-home person and a layperson is that a left-home person has to practice in any circumstance one finds oneself in. A layperson will find circumstances that he or she prefers, has control over. Part of, actually a lot of, what a monk or a nun does is having to relinquish that kind of control. We are willing to be in situations of training where we are dependent on the community, the teacher or the circumstances. Furthermore, it”s the tendency of the world to acquire money, power, knowledge, and influence. We give ourselves the opportunity to relinquish our wish and desire for personal control, for positions.

　　I have been a monk for more than 30 years and once I had made a transgression in the vinaya. Ajahn Chah made me do a period of penitence that did not accord with the vinaya. The penitence was much more severe and way more than what the vinaya required. All I could do was to give myself to the training, to Ajahn Chah. I did the penitence for more than two years, which is a very long time; but I did it. Actually, he made me do it. I had to relinquish my own preferences. It was a difficult time that was very challenging. I had to work very hard on the practice. After one year, I had this insight: I actually understood what he was trying to do.

　　What Ajahn Chah did and what any good teacher will do is being willing to push us to the limit. This is one of the elements in the monastic training: pushing up against the edge of things. We are not being egotistical or promoting a feeling of invulnerability, but we are exploring limitations, our clinging and grasping. This is an interesting way of challenging ourselves while learning not to be restricted by our limitations.

　　When I felt the time was right, I asked Ajahn Chah to release me from my penitence. All he did was look at me. I just felt transparent.

　　When Ajahn Amaro proposed the name Abhayagiri for our monastery, I was very interested in the name, in this quality of fearlessness. Because of fear we pull back from letting go, from hard things. In this training, we are challenged to work with and step beyond fear. This fear is not some external terror but a discomfort and insecurity.

　　As monastics, we have the opportunity to look at things that are impossible and take them on with intention or effort. In Thailand, for example, Ajahn Chah would have us put on all our robes and make us meditate in our old precept platform. He had all the windows closed to this tin-roofed building. We often wondered, “When will this end

　　” He didn”t let us go if we were drowsy or dozing off. Only when enough people got enough energy going would he release us. Those were awful times that gave us confidence. Situations such as these don”t have to be obstacles, though they”re not comfortable or pleasant.

　　Another thing that Ajahn Chah did that was easier for westerners but more difficult for the Thai: after the morning chanting or meditation, during the cold before dawn, he had us take off our robes and lay a si…

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