..续本文上一页Taoist methods of self-cultivation captured some of my sympathy. Nevertheless, I was no longer a disciple of Taoism for I had awakened from the beautiful dream world of the Way of the Immortals.

　　After my faith in Taoism was shaken I did not let it go. I followed it haphazardly and returned to Confucian books which I had previously studied. Confucianism was the absolute opposite of Taoism with its completely esoteric character and its religious inpidualism.

　　Confucianism stresses the need for mental and physical cultivation. Above all, it is concerned with a great political ideal. It is common, down to earth, takes human affairs seriously and pays honour to rationality. All these are principal elements in the culture of China. I agreed with their philosophies and even praised them, but they were unable to fill in the emptiness in my unsettled heart. Others thought that I had become more pragmatic, but the fact is that I experienced an increasing emptiness.

　　Now that I reflect on it, I find that this experience was due to the fact that Confucianism gives little emphasis to religion. To the ordinary people, the practices of Confucianism seem common, and down to earth. The establishment of one”s virtue, merit, and teachings solely for this life cannot be constructed into an imposing and glorious blueprint for living. Such a plan is lacking in foresight. It cannot bring people into a state where their minds and hearts are at peace(i.e. a state in which they are unmoved by gain or loss, suffering or joy, life or death) and in this state stride forward along the path of glory. My sojourn among Lao Tzu, Chuang Tzu, Confucius, and Mencius lasted four or five years.

　　I was in a state of agitation and emptiness when I was introduced to Christianity. I became deeply interested in it. This is a religion with a fully socialised character. It was from Christianity that I learned the relationship of devoutness and a pure faith to the true meaning of religion. Christianity, which had faith, hope, and love had something that Confucianism had not. I studied the Old and New Testaments, and Christian periodicals such as True Light and Spiritual Light. I practised praying, and attended revival meetings. Nevertheless, I could never bring myself to be a Christian.

　　The external causes for this included the fact that there was an anti-Christian movement at that time. Although this had no connection with the Christian faith itself, yet the Christian Church, relying on an international background, could not avoid the sin of cultural aggression. My main reason however, was the difficulty I had in accepting certain aspects of Christian thought, such as the promise of eternal life for believers, and eternal fire for un-believers. Human behavior and actions (both in the heart and externally) were not taken as measures for this judgment. The standard of judgment was simply whether one had faith or not. The slogan "Let live the believer, condemn the unbeliever" exhibits a fiercely monopolistic and exclusive attitude. All are to be destroyed except for those belonging to one”s own side. Underneath this "class love" was revealed a cruel hatred. There is also the view that a man”s spirit comes from God and that this spirit is united to flesh and thus becomes man. According to Christian doctrine, a human being can only be saved if he is born again. This implies that the great majority of people are walking on the way to Hell. To say that an omniscient and omnipotent God is willing to treat all mankind, which He calls His sons and daughters, like this, is beyond imagination and unreasonable. I could not believe that Jesus was able to atone for my sin and redeem me.

　　The light I received from Christianity lasted less than two years and rapidly disappeared. The feeling…

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