..续本文上一页 their hearts -- but even so they don”t need to advertise it.

　　As for myself, when I was first ordained I didn”t actually do much practice, but I had a lot of faith. I don”t know why, maybe it was there from birth. The monks and novices who went forth together with me, come the end of the Rains, all disrobed. I thought to myself, "Eh

　　 What is it with these people

　　" However, I didn”t dare say anything to them because I wasn”t yet sure of my own feelings, I was too stirred up. But within me I felt that they were all foolish. "It”s difficult to go forth, easy to disrobe. These guys don”t have much merit, they think that the way of the world is more useful than the way of Dhamma." I thought like this but I didn”t say anything, I just watched my own mind.

　　I”d see the monks who”d gone forth with me disrobing one after the other. Sometimes they”d dress up and come back to the monastery to show off. I”d see them and think they were crazy, but they thought they looked snappy. When you disrobe you have to do this and that... I”d think to myself that that way of thinking was wrong. I wouldn”t say it, though, because I myself was still an uncertain quantity. I still wasn”t sure how long my faith would last.

　　When my friends had all disrobed I dropped all concern, there was nobody left to concern myself with. I picked up the Patimokkha [55] and got stuck into learning that. There was nobody left to distract me and waste my time, so I put my heart into the practice. Still I didn”t say anything because I felt that to practice all one”s life, maybe seventy, eighty or even ninety years, and to keep up a persistent effort, without slackening up or losing one”s resolve, seemed like an extremely difficult thing to do.

　　Those who went forth would go forth, those who disrobed would disrobe. I”d just watch it all. I didn”t concern myself whether they stayed or went. I”d watch my friends leave, but the feeling I had within me was that these people didn”t see clearly. That western monk probably thought like that. he”d see people become monks for only one Rains Retreat, and get upset.

　　Later on he reached a stage we call... bored; bored with the Holy Life. He let go of the practice and eventually disrobed.

　　"Why are you disrobing

　　 Before, when you saw the Thai monks disrobing you”d say, ”Oh, what a shame! How sad, how pitiful.” Now, when you yourself want to disrobe, why don”t you feel sorry now

　　"

　　He didn”t answer. He just grinned sheepishly.

　　When it comes to the training of the mind it isn”t easy to find a good standard if you haven”t yet developed a "witness" within yourself. In most external matters we can rely on others for feedback, there are standards and precedents. But when it comes to using the Dhamma as a standard... do we have the Dhamma yet

　　 Are we thinking rightly or not

　　 And even if it”s right, do we know how to let go of rightness or are we still clinging to it

　　You must contemplate until you reach the point where you let go, this is the important thing... until you reach the point where there isn”t anything left, where there is neither good nor bad. You throw it off. This means you throw out everything. If it”s all gone then there”s no remainder; if there”s some remainder then it”s not all gone.

　　So in regard to this training of the mind, sometimes we may say it”s easy. it”s easy to say, but it”s hard to do, very hard. It”s hard in that it doesn”t conform to our desires. Sometimes it seems almost as if the angels [56] were helping us out. Everything goes right, whatever we think or say seems to be just right. Then we go and attach to that rightness and before long we go wrong and it all turns bad. This is where it”s difficult. We don”t have a standard to gauge things by.

　　People who have a lot of faith, who are endowed with c…

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