..续本文上一页of this get out."

　　So Phra Baitika Bunrawd fetched Nai Bun, who admitted his guilt to my preceptor. The final outcome was that Nai Bun had to make up for the missing funds.

　　Now that this was all taken care of, I asked to resign my position so that I could go off to the forest to meditate. Before the affair had been settled, there had been one night when I couldn”t get any sleep all night long. All I could think of was that I would have to disrobe and get a job to make up for the missing funds. At the same time, I didn”t want to disrobe. These two thoughts fought back and forth in my mind until dawn. But when I broached the idea of resigning with my preceptor, he wouldn”t let me go.

　　"I”m an old man now," he said, "and aside from you there”s no one I can trust to look after things for me. You”ll have to stay here for the time being."

　　So I had to stick it out for another year.

　　* * *

　　The third Rains Retreat, my preceptor had me come stay in his new quarters to help fix up the place and assist him with his hobby: repairing clocks. My old duties I was able to pass on to Phra Chyam, which was something of a load off my mind. But looking at the state of my meditation, I could see that my practice had grown slack. I was becoming more and more interested in worldly matters. So I decided to put up a fight. One day it occurred to me, "If I stay on here in the city, I”ll have to disrobe. If I stay a monk, I”ll have to leave the city and go into the forest." These two thoughts became the theme of my meditation day and night.

　　One day I went up to a hollow space at the top of the chedi and sat in meditation. The theme of my meditation was, "Should I stay or should I disrobe

　　" Something inside me said, "I”d rather disrobe." So I questioned myself, "This place where you”re living now, prosperous in every way, with its beautiful homes and streets, with its crowds of people: What do they call it

　　" And I answered, "Phra Nakhorn — the Great Metropolis, i.e., Heaven on Earth."

　　"And where were you born

　　"

　　"I was born in DoubleMarsh Village, Muang Saam Sib, Ubon Ratchathani. And now that I”ve come to the Great Metropolis I want to disrobe."

　　"And in DoubleMarsh Village what did you eat

　　 How did you live

　　 How did people make their living

　　 And what did you wear

　　 And what were the roads and houses like

　　"

　　Nothing at all like the Great Metropolis.

　　"So this prosperity here: What business is it of yours

　　"

　　This was when I answered, "The people in the Great Metropolis aren”t gods or goddesses or anything. They”re people and I”m a person, so why can”t I make myself be like them

　　"

　　I questioned myself back and forth like this for several days running until I finally decided to call a halt. If I was going to disrobe, I”d have to make preparations. Other people, before disrobing, got prepared by having clothes made and so forth, but I was going to do it differently. I was going to leave the monkhood in my mind first to see what it would be like.

　　So late in the quiet of a moonlit night, I climbed up to sit inside the chedi and asked myself, "If I disrobe, what will I do

　　" I came up with the following story.

　　If I disrobe, I”ll have to apply for a job as a clerk in the Phen Phaag Snuff and Stomach Medicine Company. I had a friend who had disrobed and gotten a job there earning 20 baht a month, so it made sense for me to apply for a job there too. I”d set my mind on being honest and hard-working so that my employer would be satisfied with my work. I was determined that wherever I lived, I”d have to act in such a way that the people I lived with would think highly of me.

　　As it turned out, the drug company finally hired me at 20 baht a month, the same salary as my friend. I made up my mind to budget my salary so as to have money left over at the end of each m…

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