..续本文上一页r teacher, you think, ”I can”t do that – it”s better to do it the slow way and be sure.” So then you start putting down anybody who suggests there is a better or a quicker way.
But the important thing to understand is the doubting mind. I saw that it was not up to me to decide which was the best or the quickest way to do anything, but to understand my own uncertainty. So I began to investigate the mental state that would arise when doubt was put into my mind, and after a while I began to accept any kind of doubt, regarding it as a changing condition.
Once when I was in Bangkok, people were comparing religions, and I was trying to be very tolerant and accept that all religions were equally good, even though I did not really think so. I would always try to say something good, about how the goal is the same, and that we should love the Christians and try to have metta [good-will] for all Christians. But I really felt that Buddhism was better! One day this was bothering me, because I thought: ”What if somebody asks you, "Which is the best religion
" What would you say
Well, "Buddhism," that”s what I”d say.” Suddenly it became very clear that that was only an opinion, and that opinions were not permanent conditions – they were not-self and you did not need to have one or believe in one. I did not have to be the authority, the one who says this is better than that. And I felt no longer any obligation to think about it or to try to figure it out. It became clear that all I had to do was to be aware of the desire to know, and the ability to say, ”This is better than that.”
Another time several years ago I became obsessed with jealousy. As I was the senior monk, I felt I had to set an example of perfect behaviour, and I began to feel jealous if other monks were praised. Somebody might say, ”This monk is better than Sumedho,” and I”d feel a tremendous sense of jealousy arise in my mind. It”s a kind of competitiveness, feeling that you always have to hold your own in front of everybody else. But then I found that I did not like jealousy; it was a most unpleasant condition. So I tended to repress it. I would practise mudita [See Note 3]. When somebody would say: ”That monk is better than Sumedho, I”d say to myself; ”Isn”t that wonderful, he”s better than me,” or, ”Oh, how glad I am for that person, he”s better off than I am.” But I”d still feel jealous! So I realised I had to look at the emotion, and that the problem was that I was always trying to get rid of it. I decided to bring it up more; I started concentrating on jealousy, and I”d think of every possible thing that would arouse jealousy. I kept looking at the feeling of jealousy and just observing its changing nature, and after a while it began to fade out. As the resentment and the aversion disappeared I could see that it was only a natural condition of the mind and that it was not-self.
Sleepiness or mental dullness is another good teacher, which appears when you no longer feel inspired by your monastic life. When you”ve just been ordained, you feel a lot of inspiration – at least I did – and you have a lot of energy. Then afterwards you find yourself becoming very dull mentally. You start falling asleep in sitting, or in listening to talks. You sit and concentrate on the dullness, just let the mind go into a dull mental state without putting any effort in, or you try to resist this mental dullness.
On the moon days in Thailand we used to have to sit up all night till dawn. At first, like a typical competitive American, I would like to look good in front of others. So I”d sit there and, just through sheer will-power, hold myself up all night. And I”d see the Thai monks, some sinking down, some almost falling over, and contempt would arise: ”I”m better than that! I won”t allow m…
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