..续本文上一页long period of time. The first rains I spent with him was my ninth rains, in as much as I had spent my first seven rains in study, and one rains in Nakhorn Ratchasima after starting to practice. During that first rains with Ven. Acariya Mun, there was nothing but progress and regress in the area of my concentration. After the rains, I went up to stay on a mountain for more than two months and then returned to be with him, my mind still progressing and regressing in the same way. I couldn”t figure out why it kept regressing even though I was intent on practicing to the full extent of my ability. Some nights I was unable to sleep all night long out of fear that the mind would regress, and yet it would still manage to regress. And especially when the mind was beginning to settle down in stillness, I”d accelerate my efforts even more, out of fear that it would regress as it had before -- and even then it would regress on me. After a while it would progress again and then regress again. When it had progressed, it would stay at that level for only three days and then regress right before my eyes. This disturbed me and made me wonder: Why was it able to regress

　　 Was it because I had let go of my meditation word

　　 Perhaps my mindfulness (sati) had lapsed at that point. So I made a note of this and promised myself that no matter what, I would have to keep the meditation word in charge of my mind at all times. Regardless of where I would go, and regardless of whether I was in our out of concentration -- even when I was sweeping the monastery compound or doing any of my chores -- I wouldn”t allow my mind to slip away from buddho, the word I liked to repeat in my meditation.

　　At this point, when the mind would settle down into stillness, if it could continue to think of the meditation word buddho in that stillness, I wouldn”t let go of it. If the mind was going to regress in any way, this was where I would have to know.

　　As soon as I had taken note of this point and had made my promise, I started repeating the word buddho. As I was repeating it, the mind was able to settle down quickly, much more quickly than it had before. It would let go of its meditation word only when it had settled snugly into stillness. At that moment, whether or not I would think buddho, the awareness of that stillness was already solidly ”buddho” in and of itself. It wouldn”t be forming any thoughts at all. At that point I”d stop my repetition. As soon as the mind made a move to withdraw -- in other words, as soon as it rippled slightly -- I”d immediately start pumping the meditation word back in again as a means of keeping the mind in place. At the same time, I”d keep watch to see at what point the mind would regress. I abandoned my concern for the progress or regress of the mind. No matter how far the mind might progress or regress, I wasn”t willing to let go of my meditation word. Even if the mind was going to regress, I”d let it regress, because when I had been determined that it not regress, it had still regressed in spite of my determination.

　　Now, though, I felt no more concern for whether the mind would progress or regress. I”d simply force it to be conscious of buddho. I”d try to be aware of progress and regress only in terms of the heart that had buddho in charge. This was where I would know. This was where I would clearly see. This was the one spot in which I”d place my confidence. I wouldn”t have to concern myself with progress or regress.

　　As time passed, the mind that had once progressed and regressed didn”t regress. This was what made me realize: The fact that the mind had kept regressing so often was because of a lapse in its meditation word; mindfulness must have slipped away at that moment for sure. So from that point on I kept my meditation word …

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