..续本文上一页nking, “I am an unenlightened person,” arises within the awareness. The awareness is not a perception, is it

　　 It”s an apperception; it includes perception. Perceptions arise and cease. It”s not personal; it doesn”t have any Ajahn-Sumedho-quality to it. It”s not male or female, bhikkhu or saladhara (nun), or anything like that. It has no quality on the conventional, conditioned level. It is nothing. There is awareness, then “I am an unenlightened person,” and then nothing. There”s no person. You are exploring, you are investigating these gaps before “I” and after “I.” You say “I” and there”s sati-sampajanna. There”s the sound of silence, isn”t there

　　“I am” arises in this awareness, this consciousness. As you investigate it, you can question what this is about. Awareness is not a creation, is it

　　 I am creating the “I am…” What is more real than “I am an unenlightened person” is the awareness. That is what is continuous, what sustains, while the sense of yourself as a person can go any which way. As you think about yourself – who you are, who you should be, who you would like to be, who you do not want to be, how good or bad, wonderful or horrible you are – all this whirls around and goes all over the place. One moment you can feel, “I am a really wonderful person.” The next moment you can feel, “I am an absolutely hopeless, horrible person.” But if you take refuge in awareness, whatever you are thinking does not make much difference, because your refuge is in awareness rather than in the gyrations and fluctuations of the self-view, of your sakkaya-ditthi habits.

　　Just notice how being a person is like a yo-yo: it goes up and down all the time. When praised, you feel you”re wonderful; you are wonderful. Then, you”re a hopeless case, depressed, a hopeless victim of circumstances. You win the lottery and you”re elated; then somebody steals all the money and you”re suicidal. The personality is like that; it”s completely dependent. You can be hurt terribly on a personal level, or you can be exhilarated. People find you just the most wonderful, thrilling, exciting personality, and you feel happy. When I was a young monk, I used to pride myself on how well I kept the vinaya discipline, that I was really, really good with the vinaya. I really understood it and I was very strict. Then I stayed for a while on this island called Ko Sichang, off the coast of Siraja, with another monk. Later on this monk told somebody else that I didn”t keep very good vinaya. I wanted to murder him!

　　Even vinaya can be another form of the self-view: I ask myself, “How good a monk am I

　　” And somebody says, “Oh, Ajahn Sumedho is exemplary, a top-notch monk!” and that”s wonderful. Then, suddenly, I hear, “He”s a hopeless case, doesn”t keep good vinaya,” and I want to commit murder. This is how untrustworthy the self is. We can rise to great altruism and then sink to the most depraved depths in just a second. It”s a totally untrustworthy state to put your refuge in, being a person of any kind. Even holding the view that “I am a good monk” is a pretty dodgy refuge. If that is all you know, then when someone says you are not a very good monk, you”re angry, you”re hurt, you”re offended.

　　Sati-sampajanna, in the midst of all the fluctuations, is constant. It is a refuge. As you recognize it, realize it, know it, and appreciate it, you come to know it as a refuge, because a genuine refuge is not dependent on praise and blame, success or failure.

　　There are various methods of training ourselves to stop the thinking mind. One kind, for example, is a Zen koan or self-inquiry practice, such as asking, “Who am I

　　” These techniques or expedient means that we find in Zen and Advaita Vedanta stop the thinking mind so that we begin to notice the pure state of attention, where w…

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