..续本文上一页r the first hindrance -- greed -- you would be surprised at some of the forms that it takes for monks. As a layman, you can spend time trying to seek out suitable objects, but because monks live a celibate life and have few possessions, we find our greed accumulates over things like robes or alms bowls. We were allowed one meal a day, so a lot of greed and aversion may arise with regard to food. At Wat Pah Pong we had to accept whatever hut we were given, so sometimes you were fortunate, you got a really nice one, and sometimes you got not very nice one. But then you could watch the aversion that arose if you were given something you did not like, or the pleasure if you were given something you liked.

　　I became obsessed with robes for the first few months -- the color of the robe, believe it or not. At the monastery where I lived before, they wore robes of a bright ”knock-your-eyes-out” kind of orange -- and it was not my color. When I went to Wat Pah Pong, they wore a kind of ochre yellow or brownish colored robe, and so I developed great desire for this kind. At first they would not give me one; I had to wear one of these ”knock-your-eyes-out” orange robes, and I became very greedy to get new robes, big robes. The robes in Thailand never fitted me properly, and at Wat Pah Pong they”d make them to your size, you”d have tailor-made robes. Finally, after a month or so Ajahn Chah suggested that a monk make me these robes, but then I became obsessed by the color. I did not want it too brown, and I did not want too much red in it. I went through a lot of sorrow and despair trying to get the right color for my robe!

　　Although we could not eat anything in the afternoon, certain things are allowed in the Vinaya, and one was sugar. So I found myself having a fantastic obsession with sweets, while before I had not really cared about sweets at all. At Wat Pah Pong, they”d have a sweet drink once every two or three days in the afternoon, and one began to anticipate the day when they would give you tea with sugar in it - or coffee with sugar in it. Or sometimes they”d even make cocoa! When word got around that we”d have cocoa that evening, one could not think about anything else.

　　I did not find sexual desire any problem in those days, because my obsessions were with sugar and sweets. I”d go to bed at night and dream about pastry shops. I”d be sitting at the table just about to put the most-gooey pastry in my mouth, and I”d wake up and think: ”If only I could get just one bite!”

　　Before I went to Thailand I had spent a few years in Berkeley, California, where it was pretty much a case of ”doing your own thing”. There was no sense of having to obey anybody, or live under a discipline of any sort. But at Wat Pah Pong I had to live following a tradition that I did not always like or approve of, in a situation where I had no authority whatsoever. I did not mind obeying Ajahn Chah; I respected him. But sometimes I had to obey monks I did not like very much and who I thought were inferior to me. The Thai monks were very critical of me at Wat Pah Pong, whereas in other monasteries they had praised me all the time. They used to say, ”How beautiful you are.” It was the first time in my life I”d ever felt that I was a raving beauty. ”And what beautiful skin you have.” They liked white skin and though my skin is not really very beautiful, it is white. At Wat Pah Pong, however, the monks would say: ”You have ugly skin with brown spots.” I was in my thirties at the time and still sensitive to the ageing process, and they were asking, ”How old are you

　　” I”d say, ”Thirty-three.” And they”d say, ”Really

　　 We thought you were at least sixty.” Then they would criticize the way I walked, and say, ”You don”t walk right. You are not very mindful when you walk.” An…

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