The Problem with Personality
by Ajahn Sumedho
An article from Buddhadharma magazine - Summer 2005 Issue
May 31, 2005
Most of us are very committed to ourselves as personalities. The habit of viewing ourselves as a person is deeply ingrained in us. In Pali, that is called sakkaya-ditthi, which can be translated as “personality-view” or “the ego.” It means that we regard the five khandhas (groups) – body, feelings, perceptions, conceptions, and consciousness – as belonging to this person, as making up our identity. In investigating the personality-view, we do not grasp on to the perceptionof “no person” either. It is possible to take the concept of anatta (no self) and grasp that, and say, “There”s no self because the Buddha said there”s anatta!” But in that case we”re still grasping a perception. Grasping a perception of yourself as a nonself gets to be a bit ridiculous.
It is so easy for us to conceive the conditions we attach to. Yet with satipanna (discriminating alertness) and sati-sampajanna (awareness), we begin to awaken ourselves to the way it is, rather than being committed to the conventional realities. I want to emphasize that this awareness is there before you become something. This point cannot be repeated often enough, because even though cultivating awareness might appear very simple on the face of it, our mindset is definitely geared to believing in the personality-view as our fundamental reality. If you grasp on to the conditions you create, you will end up in the same place every time – suffering. But don”t simply believe me; explore it for yourself.
Instead of starting with a perception or a conception of anything, the Buddha established a way based on awareness, or awakened attention. This is an immanent act in the present. It is sati-sampajanna, an intuitive awareness that allows the consciousness to be with the present moment. With this attention, you begin to explore sakkaya-ditthi (personality-view) in terms of the perceptions you attach to as yourself.
So that one can truly explore the development of sakkaya-ditthi, I suggest deliberately conceiving of yourself as a certain person: “I”m this person who has got to practice in order to become enlightened.” Then consider what you might say to yourself: “I”m an unenlightened person who has come to a center to practice meditation so that I will become an enlightened person in the future.” You can have endless comments about this and form further perceptions about these perceptions, but that”s not the point. Simply deliberately think, “I am an unenlightened person.” Say that to yourself with attention, listening. This deliberate thinking allows you to listen to yourself as you think.
When you are caught in the wandering mind, you lose yourself; you just go from one thought to another. One thought connects to another and you just get carried away. But deliberate thinking is not like that. It”s intentional, for you are choosing what you are going to think. The important thing is not the thought, or even the quality of the thought – whether it”s stupid or intelligent, right or wrong – it”s the attention, the ability to listen to your deliberate thinking. When I do this, being aware of thinking in this way allows something to happen to me (and I assume will happen also to you, but I don”t know, maybe I”m just an unusual case). Before I start thinking, “I am an unenlightened person,” there is a space. There is an empty pause before I deliberately think.
When you do this kind of deliberate thinking, notice the pause before the full-blown thought. That is just the way it is; there is no perception in that space, but there is attention to it. There is awareness. You are certainly aware before “I am an unenlightened person” arises. Thinking in this way is no…
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