..续本文上一页go along with what is reasonable, logical, sensible - so on the emotional level we have to understand how we actually feel. I”ve found it helped to have metta for my own feeling. So when we feel that our parents were unkind and unloving to us we can have metta towards the feeling we have in the heart; not being judgmental, but having patience with that feeling - to see that this is how it feels, and then to accept that feeling. Then it is possible to resolve that feeling. But when we get stuck in a battle between our logical perceptions and our emotional responses, it gets very confusing.

　　Once I began to accept my negativity rather than suppress it, I could resolve it. When we resolve something with mindfulness, then we can let it go and free ourself from the power of that particular thing - not through denial or rejection, but through understanding and accepting that particular negative feeling. The resolution of such a conflict leads us to contemplate what life is about.

　　My father died about six years ago. He was then 90 years old, and he had never shown love or positive feelings towards me. So from early childhood I had this feeling that he did not like me. I carried this feeling through most of my life; I never had any kind of love, any kind of warm relationship with my father. It was always a perfunctory: ”Hello son, good to see you.” And he seemed to feel threatened by me. I remember whenever I came home as a Buddhist monk he would say, ”Remember, this is my house, you”ve got to do as I say.” This was his greeting - and I was almost 50 years old at the time! I don”t know what he thought I was going to do!

　　In the last decade of his life, he was quite miserable and became very resentful. He had terrible arthritis and was in constant pain, and he had Parkinson”s disease and everything was going wrong. Eventually he had to be put in a nursing home. He was completely paralysed. He could move his eyes and talk, but the rest of his body was rigid, totally still. He hated this. He was resentful of what had happened to him because before he had been a strong, independent, virile man. He had been able to control and manage everything in his life. So he hated and resented having to depend on nurses to feed him and so on.

　　My first year here I remember discussing my parents with my sister. She pointed out to me that my father was a very considerate man. He was very considerate and thoughtful towards my mother. He was always eager to help her when she was tired or unwell - a very supportive husband. Because I came from a family where it was normal for a man to be like that, I had never recognised those qualities. My sister pointed out that it is not often that a husband is supportive or helpful to his wife. For my father”s generation, women”s rights and feminism were not the issue. ”I bring in the money, and you do the cooking and washing,” was the attitude then. I realise then that I had not only completely overlooked these good qualities, I had not even noticed them.

　　The last time I went to see him, I decided that I would try to get some kind of warmth going between us before he died. It was quite difficult to even think this, because I had gone through life feeling that he didn”t like me. It is very hard to break through that kind of thing. Anyway, his body needed to be stimulated, so I said, ”Let me massage your leg.” And he said, ”No, no, you don”t need to do that.” And I said, ”You”ll get bedsores, because you really have to have your skin massaged.” And he still said, ”No, you don”t have to do it.” Then I said, ”I would really like to do it.” And he said, ”You don”t have to do it.” But I could tell that he was considering it. Then I said, ”I think it”ll be a good thing and I”d really like to do it,” and he said, ”So you”d real…

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