..续本文上一页uld try to keep up my guard — until the mind let its work lapse for a moment. I was alert to the fact, and the mind got right back to work. ”There. Now that”s the way it should be.”

　　After giving up its desires, the mind was no longer involved with the past. It stayed in the circle of the present and would do nothing but repeat or meditate on ”buddho.” Whether or not it would get any results would depend on what ”buddho” would grant. Finally the mind became still, and ”buddho” was no longer necessary, so I could let go of the meditation word at that moment — and at that point the mind was willing to settle down. Before, it hadn”t been willing.

　　When the mind had settled down in stillness, there was no need to repeat the word ”buddho.” All that remained was simple awareness — clear and conspicuous — so the mind stayed with that simple awareness. As soon as it withdrew, I would start pumping ”buddho” back in. I had no hopes, because I had already hoped in the past. I had no hopes for what would happen, no hopes for what the results would be. I had already hoped in the past, and it hadn”t given me any decent results at all. I had seen the harm of hopes — the sort of hollow, unreasonable hopes that won”t do the work and look only for the results.

　　So, now I was going to do nothing but work, nothing but work: repeating ”buddho” without letting up even for a moment. Once the mind had received proper nourishment and care, it became still — gradually more and more still, more and more steady, until it reached the level it had been before it had visibly regressed.

　　What was strange was that when it reached its old level, I still abandoned my hopes. ”If it”s going to regress, let it regress. I”ve had enough of trying to resist it by using desire, which hasn”t served any purpose, not the least little bit. So, however the mind is going to regress, let it regress, but I won”t abandon "buddho." I”m always going to keep at it.”

　　When it reached the day when it would normally regress, it didn”t regress! That made me a lot more sure of the causes. So I stepped up the causes — the repetition of ”buddho” — even more, without stopping. I would stop only when the mind gathered in stillness. The mind became progressively more and more firm. Wherever I”d sit, it would be bright. Light. Completely clear. I was sure of myself: ”Now it”s not going to regress.” After one day, two days, one month, two months, it still didn”t regress.

　　Before, the mind would regress after two or three days. After two or three days it would come down with a crash, with nothing left to show for itself. I”d have to keep trying to care for it for 14 or 15 days before it would reach its old level, and once it got there it would stay just a day or two and then collapse in a flash, with nothing left at all. All that was left was dreariness and disappointment.

　　Now: ”If it”s going to regress, let it regress. I”ve hoped in the past, and it hasn”t served any purpose. All I”m after is this, just this one thing: "buddho."”

　　(Speaking of the suffering when the mind regresses, you really feel a lot of anguish, so much so that you”re ready to surrender. But I was lucky in one way, that the mind didn”t retreat. It was determined to see things through, which was why I was able to bear with it, able to stay. Had the mind become discouraged — ”It”d be better to stop” — that would have been the end of me. There would have been nothing more to tell.)

　　From then on, the mind kept progressing. Month after month, it became more and more stable, more and more firm. As for my meditation word, I wasn”t willing to let up on it. This kept up until the mind was always prominent.

　　That was when I let the meditation word go. In other words, the awareness of the mind was pronounced, and that was enough for t…

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